deeper

So lately I just have this overwhelming desire to be deep. Ok, so it’s not just so “lately,” it’s always. I so long to be interesting and peculiar. I want to be mysterious and vague, to have so much more beneath the surface. I’m trying to do this through books, music, and blogs. I know that what I’m longing for comes only from You. I just want to be smart and artsy. To sum it up, all I really want to be is desirable. I know that I should seek that ONLY in You and from You. Lord, would you fulfill my desires. Would you come in and fill me beyond what I ever thought possible. I want to be encouraging and joyful and exciting and passionate. Gahh Jesus, is it ever possible for me to be the woman I long to be? Or am I trying to be who you made me to be. I pray that my desires would change. Change them from desiring to be the “perfect” woman to the woman you have called me to be. That’s really what I want. I just have this picture in my head of what a “godly” woman is supposed to look like: confident and assured, passionate and encouraging, prim and proper, humble and sweet. That’s totally not me. I’m so far from the perfect church lady. I’m sometimes negative and outspoken, unsure and apathetic, proud and rude. Lord, can you use even a girl like me? Would you just draw near to me Lord? Would you mold my heart into the woman you would have me be. Teach me to follow you with my whole heart and above all else. Teach me to love and cling to your words. Teach me to seek Your desires over my own. Unite my passions to Yours.

So, I've learned something. As my longing to be a deep, sophisticated woman conquers my thoughts, my real desires are not to be deep. My true desires are to go deep. As my precious Jesus captures my heart more and more, my heart will grow in ways I could not imagine. Jesus--the ultimate romancer--will draw me in deeper. Deeper in love. Deeper in my passions. Deeper.

My soul needed rescue
A hero, it had to be You
I know, You've changed everything